In 1904 Aleister Crowley composed a pornographic novel called Snowdrops From a Curate’s Garden to amuse his wife Rose Kelly and their guests. According to Tobias Churton, the book was parody of life at a Turf Club, a colonial sanctuary in Egypt. Apparently the book was inspired also by Crowley’s adventures in Paris. Here are two notes that Crowley himself made of the book:
I spent many of my evenings at a little restaurant called the Chat blanc in the rue d’Odessa, where was “an upper room furnished” and consecrated informally to a sort of international clique of writers, painters, sculptors, students and their friends. It has been described with accurate vigour in the introduction to Snowdrops from a Curate’s Garden. (Confessions of Aleister Crowley).
I knew that a poet is incapable of recognizing his best work, but I knew also that though good technique does not mean good work bad technique does mean bad work. So I used to experiment with new forms by choosing a ridiculous or obscene subject, lest I should be tempted to publish a poem whose technique showed inexperience.
Ivor and I, with some assistance from Gerald, collected such of these manuscripts as had not been destroyed, and with “the Nameless Novel”, we composed a volume (Snowdrops from a Curate’s Garden.) to carry on the literary form of White Stains and Alice; that is, we invented a perpetrator for the atrocities.
I do now know what mischievous whim induced me to have the book printed, but I was absolutely innocent of any desire to rival the exploit of Alfred de Musset and George Sand, the Femmes and Hombres of Verlain, or the jeu d’esprit of Mark Twain of which Sir Walter Raleigh is the hero. I did not even hope to get the British government to give me a pension of four thousand pounds a year, as it did to John Cleland. (Confessions of Aleister Crowley).
I am not sure if all editions of the splendid book has a hilarious glossary of synonyms and phrases, but at least Teitan Press’ edition from 1986 does contain it. It looks like this:
– – –
Anus. Arsehole, back paddy-field, bottom-hole, bung-hole, button-hole, clyster-pipe, crack, cuntlet, farter, gut-end, inkstand, love-passage, manure manufactory, rose, shit-sewer, shit-slot, stinkhouse, turd-hole, turd-pipe, turd-trap.
Breasts. Bubbies, butter-bags, butter-pats, rosy-buttoned titties.
Clitoris. Emotion-knob, fancy-fagot’s fuck-flapper, Lady’s love-lump.
Erection. Cock-stand, Irish toothache, stand.
Female emissions. Fuck-muck, sauce, spend, towsy-mowsy.
Intercourse. Androgynation, assault, bacon-rubbing, beast with two backs, block, board, brangle buttock game, buffet, bum tickling, clean, clicket, cuddle-my-cuddie, Cully-shangy, defraud, dry-bob, dug, filter, firkytoodle, fulk, futter, goose-and-ducked, heaving, Hey Gammer Cock, hog, jiggle, jounce, jum, jumble, jumble-giblets, jummed, knock up, lard, leather-stretch, mash, mumble-peg, nick, niggle, pack, piddle, prick-scouring, rootle, rub, rumping, shag, slept, smoke, split, sting, stir, storm, swive, tail-twitching, thrash, tummy-tickling, tupping, twat-raking, vault, watch.
Male emissions. Baby-bouillon, baby-juice, bliss-blanc-mange, cream, creamy essence, emotion-emulsions, essence of immortality, fertilizing fluid, fuck, fuck-fritters, fuck-spunk, gravy, jelly, joy-junket, juice, liquor, love-lap, love-lotion, love-spunk, man-mess, man-molasses, oysters, pleasure-pudding, posterity-pudding, Scotch Broth, Semolina-pudding, short and spitty spend, spendings, spunk, spunkings, tapioca pudding, tool-treacle.
Orgasm. Crisis, rode to glory.
Penis. Adder, affair, arbor-vitae, arse-wedge, arseopener, article, aspersing-tool, Athenaeum, bag-of-tricks, bald-headed hermit, banana, battering-piece, bauble, beak, bean-tosser, beard-splitter, belly-ruffian, best leg of three, bush-wacker, butter-knife, callibistris, cane, Captain Standish, chink-stopper, chit-terlings, claw-buttock, coney-catcher, copper-stick, cram-stick, Davy, dolly, doodle, drumstick, engine, fiddlestick, field artillery, fuzzle, gap-stopper, garden-engine, girlometer, gully-raker, gut-stick, hair-splitter, intercrural pudding, Jack-in-the-box, jargonelle, jiggling-bone, jockam, John Thomas, Julius Caesar, lance-of-love, leather-stretcher, life-preserver, live sausage, liver-turner, lollipop, love-dart, man-root, marrow-bone, Master John Thursday, master-member, meat-skewer, mentule, metal, nilnisitando, nocker, nosegay, Old Slimy, Ox in a Teacup, pick-lock, pillar, pillicock, pisser, pizzle, plenipo, ploughshare, plug, plug-tail, pond-snipe, poperine pear, prick, prickle, pudding, pudendum, quickening-peg, quim-stake, ramrod, rocket, rolling-pin, root, rubigo, sad soul, sausage, Schmeichaz, schnickel, shako, sledge-hammer, slime-stick, stern-post, sugar-stick, tarse, tent-peg, tentacle, thorn-in-the-flesh, thrysus, thumb-of-love, tickle-gizzard, tickle-toby, tonsil-teaser, touch-trap, treacle-tap, trouble-giblets, tug-mutton, tuning-fork, twat-teaser, warrior, weapon, Weary Willie, whack, whore-pipe, wimble, yard.
Pubic hair. Scut.
Testicles. Bags of fecundity, bollocks, cods, cream cheeses, endowments, hangers, love-lobes.
Vagina. Abyss, arbour, beauty-spot, bird’s nest, bivalve, Black Bess, breadwinner, busby, butter-boat, cabbage, cabbage field, cabbage-patch, carnal-trap, cat, catch-’em-alive-o, cauliflower, cave of harmony, cavity, cellar-door, central furrow, cloack-room, coynte, crinkum-crankum, cuckoo’s nest, cunnie, cunnikin, cunt, custard-pot, customs, cut-and-come-again, diddly-pout, doodle-sack, Dripping Well, dripping-pan, duckpond, dumb glutton, Eden Garden, eel-pot, factotum, fly-by-night, front paddy-field, fruit-basket, gallimaufry, gammon, garter, gravy-giver, grease-hole, grotto, grummet, gutter, harbour, hollow, home-sweet-home, horse-collar, hotchpotch, india-rubber-plant, inglenook, intercrural trench, isthmus, Jack Straw’s castle, Jacob’s ladder, jelly-bag, little sister, lobster-pot, lover’s locker, lower, lucky-bag, maiden erring, man-trap, Mary Jane, medlar, melting-pot, merkin, milking-pail, mine of pleasure, mustard-pot, mutton-pie, omnibus, oyster-catcher, paper parcel, Penny-Pipe, periwinkle, pizzle-skinner, pox-eaten charms, pussycat, quim, rabbit-pie, rat-trap, rattle-ballocks, red herring, reproductive mechanism, sack of corn, sanctuary, saucy salmon, secret charms, shop, shop of stench, slit, snatch blatch, snatch-box, socket, spleuchan, split-mutton, square push, strawberry-patch, strong room, suck-and-swallow, tarbucket, thatched house, thing, Touch-her-home, touch-hole, tow-wow, tufted treasure, tunnel, tuzzy-muzzy, Twopenny-Tube, vademecum, water-closet, weather-gig, whim-wham, yum-yum.
– – –
The book is apparently in a public domain nowadays. One place where you can download the book (without the glossary of synonyms and phrases quoted above) as a pdf-file is here. I highly recommend, though, that you go and buy the book.
– – –